My new and lovely friend Maureen, from Canada, recently read this blog and she wrote, in response:
Sadly, my own mother passed away last week ... So I've been thinking about motherhood and how my own mother addressed some huge dramas, and hardships, and losses during her life, and dedicated herself to her five (!) children. She had no interest in religion or spirituality and I honestly cannot remember a single "spiritual" thing ever coming out of her mouth ... and yet she was an amazing role model of non-judgment, caring and compassion.
Her true stature as a person is becoming clearer and clearer as time goes on. I wonder if she had had access to the kinds of teachings that we do now, whether she would have embraced a spiritual path. I suspect her rejection of religion was because it didn't sit right with her, and no alternative ever entered her world. She also didn't have the luxury of "seeking," as she was so caught up in survival issues right up until she developed Alzheimer's about eight years ago ...
Dear Maureen,
I don't think much more needs to be said about your Mother. I think your writing about her tells the truth about what it really means to be spiritual. Often, when there is much discussion about spirituality, or immersion in religion, the true meaning of "being spiritual" can become very lost. I have seen this happen many, many times (frankly, it is a massive epidemic in this world); and I have seen this happen in me! Kindness, gentleness, compassion, selflessness, generosity--rather than being "goals," when they are lived because they simply make sense to a person, that seems to me to be spirituality. What a teacher and role model your mother is for us all!
Perhaps she would have found a true path for herself in the kinds of formless spirituality that seem more prevalent in the world today--but perhaps she didn't need to.
Actions do indeed speak louder than words.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Reemerging Sunshine of the Accepting Mind
I recently posted my status on Facebook as taking a "Me" day ... Just before that, my young daughter had been in the hospital on critical status with a chest infection, we had canceled vacation plans, I had just finished moving my non-profit out of the office, and earlier this year, my father had passed away. (The year before, his spiritual teacher and mine, Sydney Banks, passed, and the year before that, my grandmother, Nell.)
Medical bills and paperwork were piling up, and our already small house was filled with boxes from my old, "real" office. Although there was so much to do, I have come to learn that in most adult lives, having "a lot to do" is not a temporary state. There is never a time when all things get done, or are done ... when from a worldly perspective, one has indeed accomplished "enough."
I also understand (and more and more so) that, from a global perspective, my, let's say, "suburban" problems are all good problems to have. Alia's health was jeopardized, but we had nearly instant access to highly trained doctors, x-ray and ultrasound technology, medications of every type ... our own hospital room, even!
Furthermore, our little family is well-fed, housed, intact and we live in a country where--in most cases--one can say what one thinks. Freedom, calories, opportunities, computers, heat, running water. Only gratitude is truly in order, of course.
Nonetheless, anxiety does not come because one asks for it!
And I have learned that when stress or anxiety come knocking, when everything screams to be done, it is time to stop ... and not do a thing. Have you heard the play on the old adage:
I put everything on hold, packed my child's "Hello Kitty" backpack with a tangerine, banana, cashew bar and bottle of water. Plus a notebook.
And then I ran away from home.
I took the train to San Francisco with the sole intention of enjoying myself--and being by myself.
The train ride itself was soothing, although as we pulled out of the California Avenue station, a cold feeling crept over me that once (in my 20's) had been familiar--a feeling of dread, of coming depression. As in: What does it all mean? Nothing!
For days, my mind had been engaged in planning, packing (both the office and our suitcases for vacation), then adrenalin-filled caretaking, hovering ... watching hospital monitors fretfully at 2, 3, and 4 a.m. with daughter's pulse, oxygen and respiration levels too high, too low.
Worry, future thinking, time pressures ... these sorts of thoughts can all result in this "collapsed" feeling.
And I allowed my mind to allow this. Allow the dread, the depression.
By the time we rolled through Belmont, the feeling was gone.
The City itself shone and sparkled in all its grunge, its fine foods and crystalline forward-ness. Market Street welcomed me, indifferent--those out of scale skyscrapers--as if I were an ant to be expected, tolerated, maybe stepped upon, but not maliciously.
The SF Museum of Modern Art was spacious, airy, modern (go figure) ... The rooftop garden sunny and bright, a shelter to couples in love, a mother with her child, a lone young tourist from Britain.
I had moved into the Now, the space of the accepting mind and, how did I put that day? ... I caught up with myself. I became myself, again.
This is the brilliance of the Mind--that its default setting is harmony. When thoughts become quiet, the quiet itself can become very, very deep--its depths both mysterious, unfathomable, and safe.
I got many responses to my Facebook post from Moms and others who felt it was their time for a Me day too! Go for it! I wrote in reply. But it does not need to be on the train, or in the City. It can be the hike, the walk, the yoga class, the park bench in the sunshine.
In my view, the "form" of meditation is not the essence of meditation--true meditation is simply the quieting of thought, surrendering to the Allowing Mind--and actually, this can be done in any moment, anywhere.
Indeed, just yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed again (Alia's birthday party!) and it was evening--where could I go? To a bar? No, no ...
So, after returning a coffee maker to my aunt's, I went home; and simply accepted both the feeling of overwhelm, and my immediate situation: cleaning up from the party, getting kids ready for school, ready for a busy Monday ... Then I sat down with my husband to watch a nature program on TV.
And peace came again.
What is so beautiful to me--the greatest lesson I have ever learned--is that quiet can be counted on. Perhaps not demanded, but the sun returns when mental storm clouds part ... Mental health and well-being return.
Any catalyst will do ... A cup of tea, a good stretch, an insight, or just resting in the allowing mind. If you know the 3 Principles and Sydney Banks' work, it all makes sense. Thought creates feeling.
"I don't want this" creates the feeling of dis-ease. "I don't know if I want this, but it's obviously happening," and there is curiosity, openness ..."I love this!" and one is filled with both Love and gratitude.
One does not have to change one's thoughts, but the mere resting, the allowing of Thought--without attaching, judging, trying to get rid of ... opens the space for the deeper harmony of the Divine Mind to enter--and the Divine Mind is always grateful, always in tune, always connected.
As the mom of two still-young children, I can testify to the fact that a parents' thought flow, or resting mind, is often interrupted by the needs of children ... And if we cannot become present with our children in the moment, I believe it behooves us as parents to create the space (or simply INTEND the space) for us to find our replenishment in solitude, then. We come back to our families and children with inspiration, with good feelings and as role models for well-being.
As Gangaji has said, "Take a moment to recognize the peace that is already alive within you."
So, yes, Moms, Dads and Non-Breeders ... take a Me day! And if you cannot take a Me Day, take a Me moment. It may be that nothing "special" need happen at all ... for something very special indeed to emerge, from within.
Medical bills and paperwork were piling up, and our already small house was filled with boxes from my old, "real" office. Although there was so much to do, I have come to learn that in most adult lives, having "a lot to do" is not a temporary state. There is never a time when all things get done, or are done ... when from a worldly perspective, one has indeed accomplished "enough."
I also understand (and more and more so) that, from a global perspective, my, let's say, "suburban" problems are all good problems to have. Alia's health was jeopardized, but we had nearly instant access to highly trained doctors, x-ray and ultrasound technology, medications of every type ... our own hospital room, even!
Furthermore, our little family is well-fed, housed, intact and we live in a country where--in most cases--one can say what one thinks. Freedom, calories, opportunities, computers, heat, running water. Only gratitude is truly in order, of course.
Nonetheless, anxiety does not come because one asks for it!
And I have learned that when stress or anxiety come knocking, when everything screams to be done, it is time to stop ... and not do a thing. Have you heard the play on the old adage:
Don't just do something. Sit there ...?I have another one: If it feels urgent, it probably isn't.
I put everything on hold, packed my child's "Hello Kitty" backpack with a tangerine, banana, cashew bar and bottle of water. Plus a notebook.
And then I ran away from home.
I took the train to San Francisco with the sole intention of enjoying myself--and being by myself.
The train ride itself was soothing, although as we pulled out of the California Avenue station, a cold feeling crept over me that once (in my 20's) had been familiar--a feeling of dread, of coming depression. As in: What does it all mean? Nothing!
For days, my mind had been engaged in planning, packing (both the office and our suitcases for vacation), then adrenalin-filled caretaking, hovering ... watching hospital monitors fretfully at 2, 3, and 4 a.m. with daughter's pulse, oxygen and respiration levels too high, too low.
Worry, future thinking, time pressures ... these sorts of thoughts can all result in this "collapsed" feeling.
And I allowed my mind to allow this. Allow the dread, the depression.
By the time we rolled through Belmont, the feeling was gone.
The City itself shone and sparkled in all its grunge, its fine foods and crystalline forward-ness. Market Street welcomed me, indifferent--those out of scale skyscrapers--as if I were an ant to be expected, tolerated, maybe stepped upon, but not maliciously.
The SF Museum of Modern Art was spacious, airy, modern (go figure) ... The rooftop garden sunny and bright, a shelter to couples in love, a mother with her child, a lone young tourist from Britain.
I had moved into the Now, the space of the accepting mind and, how did I put that day? ... I caught up with myself. I became myself, again.
This is the brilliance of the Mind--that its default setting is harmony. When thoughts become quiet, the quiet itself can become very, very deep--its depths both mysterious, unfathomable, and safe.
I got many responses to my Facebook post from Moms and others who felt it was their time for a Me day too! Go for it! I wrote in reply. But it does not need to be on the train, or in the City. It can be the hike, the walk, the yoga class, the park bench in the sunshine.
In my view, the "form" of meditation is not the essence of meditation--true meditation is simply the quieting of thought, surrendering to the Allowing Mind--and actually, this can be done in any moment, anywhere.
Indeed, just yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed again (Alia's birthday party!) and it was evening--where could I go? To a bar? No, no ...
So, after returning a coffee maker to my aunt's, I went home; and simply accepted both the feeling of overwhelm, and my immediate situation: cleaning up from the party, getting kids ready for school, ready for a busy Monday ... Then I sat down with my husband to watch a nature program on TV.
And peace came again.
What is so beautiful to me--the greatest lesson I have ever learned--is that quiet can be counted on. Perhaps not demanded, but the sun returns when mental storm clouds part ... Mental health and well-being return.
Any catalyst will do ... A cup of tea, a good stretch, an insight, or just resting in the allowing mind. If you know the 3 Principles and Sydney Banks' work, it all makes sense. Thought creates feeling.
"I don't want this" creates the feeling of dis-ease. "I don't know if I want this, but it's obviously happening," and there is curiosity, openness ..."I love this!" and one is filled with both Love and gratitude.
One does not have to change one's thoughts, but the mere resting, the allowing of Thought--without attaching, judging, trying to get rid of ... opens the space for the deeper harmony of the Divine Mind to enter--and the Divine Mind is always grateful, always in tune, always connected.
As the mom of two still-young children, I can testify to the fact that a parents' thought flow, or resting mind, is often interrupted by the needs of children ... And if we cannot become present with our children in the moment, I believe it behooves us as parents to create the space (or simply INTEND the space) for us to find our replenishment in solitude, then. We come back to our families and children with inspiration, with good feelings and as role models for well-being.
As Gangaji has said, "Take a moment to recognize the peace that is already alive within you."
So, yes, Moms, Dads and Non-Breeders ... take a Me day! And if you cannot take a Me Day, take a Me moment. It may be that nothing "special" need happen at all ... for something very special indeed to emerge, from within.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
M.M. Note: Adapted from the CSC's Holiday e-newsletter.
How are you doing with your holidays, my friend? ... My own tendency is to get excited early on, and then as the calendar starts counting down toward Christmas Day, I start to feel a bit stressed out!
With two young children in our family, hopes run high. And this year, my father, Roger Mills (co-founder of our non-profit) will not be with us--he'll be singing carols with the angels. He was a huge Christmas fan, a bedrock of our traditions. It won't be the same, for sure.
Then there are money concerns, holiday "Thank You's" to be paid out to teachers, housekeepers, the postman ... How much? ... Send Holiday cards or not? Use wrapping or newspaper? And, let's see, Christmas Eve dinner planning, shopping, special events for the children ... If you are Jewish, Muslim--or otherwise inclined--perhaps you are feeling quite relieved by now!
I recall a very old recording of a Sydney Banks talk, on which Syd described the feelings of contentment and gratitude that are a marker for deeper wisdom to come, for mental health and understanding. He used the analogy of Christmas. "You know that feeling that just hits you when you're walking down the street? Like, Geez, it's Christmas!"
Our holiday gift to you, no matter what holiday you celebrate (or don't), is the simple reminder that holiday spirit is a feeling that comes from within. Already, our family has failed on a number of "external" holiday "agenda items": We have given up on having beautiful and elaborate lights like our neighbors, our Christmas tree is not color coordinated, nor well lit, and has large, empty green patches. Holiday cards have not yet gone out, my husband may be working Christmas Eve, and we have not found a soup kitchen or other wonderful cause to participate in to teach our children important lessons in charity and giving.
Nonetheless, as I give up on these items, one by one, I see that my children are still thrilled with the holiday. They love singing the songs. They love Santa---the whole idea of Christmas. And when I am simply present with what is, the holidays are very pleasant, and spirited, indeed. A few nights ago, carols on the car radio inspired us to drive around our neighborhood admiring the holiday lights, with the children singing at the top of their lungs.
And as John Lennon sung: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
The best gift is the gift we each already have within us--the capacity to enter into a deeper feeling about life at any time: the richness, the guidance, the love, the "holiness" that comes from nowhere else, but from within ourselves. The present of Presence.
Here's hoping that no matter what you celebrate, or don't, you enjoy the quiet moments between "doings," and even during "doings" that are nourishment for our souls, our families, our lives.
How are you doing with your holidays, my friend? ... My own tendency is to get excited early on, and then as the calendar starts counting down toward Christmas Day, I start to feel a bit stressed out!
With two young children in our family, hopes run high. And this year, my father, Roger Mills (co-founder of our non-profit) will not be with us--he'll be singing carols with the angels. He was a huge Christmas fan, a bedrock of our traditions. It won't be the same, for sure.
Then there are money concerns, holiday "Thank You's" to be paid out to teachers, housekeepers, the postman ... How much? ... Send Holiday cards or not? Use wrapping or newspaper? And, let's see, Christmas Eve dinner planning, shopping, special events for the children ... If you are Jewish, Muslim--or otherwise inclined--perhaps you are feeling quite relieved by now!
I recall a very old recording of a Sydney Banks talk, on which Syd described the feelings of contentment and gratitude that are a marker for deeper wisdom to come, for mental health and understanding. He used the analogy of Christmas. "You know that feeling that just hits you when you're walking down the street? Like, Geez, it's Christmas!"
Our holiday gift to you, no matter what holiday you celebrate (or don't), is the simple reminder that holiday spirit is a feeling that comes from within. Already, our family has failed on a number of "external" holiday "agenda items": We have given up on having beautiful and elaborate lights like our neighbors, our Christmas tree is not color coordinated, nor well lit, and has large, empty green patches. Holiday cards have not yet gone out, my husband may be working Christmas Eve, and we have not found a soup kitchen or other wonderful cause to participate in to teach our children important lessons in charity and giving.
Nonetheless, as I give up on these items, one by one, I see that my children are still thrilled with the holiday. They love singing the songs. They love Santa---the whole idea of Christmas. And when I am simply present with what is, the holidays are very pleasant, and spirited, indeed. A few nights ago, carols on the car radio inspired us to drive around our neighborhood admiring the holiday lights, with the children singing at the top of their lungs.
And as John Lennon sung: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
The best gift is the gift we each already have within us--the capacity to enter into a deeper feeling about life at any time: the richness, the guidance, the love, the "holiness" that comes from nowhere else, but from within ourselves. The present of Presence.
Here's hoping that no matter what you celebrate, or don't, you enjoy the quiet moments between "doings," and even during "doings" that are nourishment for our souls, our families, our lives.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
No Curriculum for Truth
Thank you for your posting on your blog. Now [because you did not seem to really answer my question] in your words, if I were a 5-year-old, how would you describe "specifically" the 3 p's to me? Example: "Well lil'guy first of all ... etc etc." and then ...
--Robert Walking Rabbit
[M.M. note: the "3 p's" refer to philosopher Mr. Sydney Banks' Three Principles of Mind, Consciousness and Thought. Please refer to Mr. Banks materials--books, audio files, videos--for more on these.]
Dear Robert,
I had a feeling you would ask this again! I did manage to skirt the issue, did I not?
Mr. Banks used to say, "There is no curriculum" for the 3 Principles--in schools, in communities, or elsewhere.
What this means is that there is no curriculum for Love. I recently posted the following quote on Facebook:
"You have identified yourself with secondhand information. Don't live with secondhand information. Don't live with beliefs. You have the capacity to explore and really find out what actually IS." (--from Jean Klein's dialogues in "Transmission of the Flame")
What Mr. Banks (and Mr. Klein) were trying to say is that if I use a curriculum of "how to teach or share" principles of Truth with a child, or anyone else, then when I am in the moment of sharing--rather than coming from my heart and my own understanding, I am coming from memory, from "secondhand information."
And rather than look deeply into my own heart, which might mean taking a pause, taking a moment out of "doing" and going into reflection ... into inquiry for myself (into the unknown), I, rather, come up with something someone else wrote in a book, or outlined for me to say.
That is not a terrible sin, and there is nothing wrong with sharing information from books, I am just pointing to the fact that we then bypass our own capacity for understanding in favor of someone else's capacity for understanding.
Do you understand?
You wrote to me via e-mail that "I do not know," "I leave that to the professionals." But, why is that, Rob? ... I know that you are speaking to a Kindergarten teacher about all of this, but might not this be a question you could explore together, from a feeling of curiosity and respect?
Or, if you do not feel "ready" to talk with her about such things, again, an invitation to sit with oneself, to gently ask: Why not?
I know you know that each one of us "practitioners" started once where you are. And over time, we began to deeply trust ourselves, our own connection to wisdom.
The truth is that the Principles are alive in every children's story, in everything that happens in every single day (there is thought, there is action based on thought and there is the love, wisdom and compassion that bubbles up in each of us--and in so many stories.) There are as many ways to explain the Principles are there are human beings on the planet--and so much the better if each one of us expresses uniquely.
I know you were thinking you would not get an answer out of me, (and still you have not, eh?) but I encourage you to not leave it at that, not drop the question for yourself, Rob. Perhaps wisdom guides you not to work with this teacher directly yet, but that is not the end of the story.
That is actually the beginning.
With Love,
Your Mystical Mama
--Robert Walking Rabbit
[M.M. note: the "3 p's" refer to philosopher Mr. Sydney Banks' Three Principles of Mind, Consciousness and Thought. Please refer to Mr. Banks materials--books, audio files, videos--for more on these.]
Dear Robert,
I had a feeling you would ask this again! I did manage to skirt the issue, did I not?
Mr. Banks used to say, "There is no curriculum" for the 3 Principles--in schools, in communities, or elsewhere.
What this means is that there is no curriculum for Love. I recently posted the following quote on Facebook:
"You have identified yourself with secondhand information. Don't live with secondhand information. Don't live with beliefs. You have the capacity to explore and really find out what actually IS." (--from Jean Klein's dialogues in "Transmission of the Flame")
What Mr. Banks (and Mr. Klein) were trying to say is that if I use a curriculum of "how to teach or share" principles of Truth with a child, or anyone else, then when I am in the moment of sharing--rather than coming from my heart and my own understanding, I am coming from memory, from "secondhand information."
And rather than look deeply into my own heart, which might mean taking a pause, taking a moment out of "doing" and going into reflection ... into inquiry for myself (into the unknown), I, rather, come up with something someone else wrote in a book, or outlined for me to say.
That is not a terrible sin, and there is nothing wrong with sharing information from books, I am just pointing to the fact that we then bypass our own capacity for understanding in favor of someone else's capacity for understanding.
Do you understand?
You wrote to me via e-mail that "I do not know," "I leave that to the professionals." But, why is that, Rob? ... I know that you are speaking to a Kindergarten teacher about all of this, but might not this be a question you could explore together, from a feeling of curiosity and respect?
Or, if you do not feel "ready" to talk with her about such things, again, an invitation to sit with oneself, to gently ask: Why not?
I know you know that each one of us "practitioners" started once where you are. And over time, we began to deeply trust ourselves, our own connection to wisdom.
The truth is that the Principles are alive in every children's story, in everything that happens in every single day (there is thought, there is action based on thought and there is the love, wisdom and compassion that bubbles up in each of us--and in so many stories.) There are as many ways to explain the Principles are there are human beings on the planet--and so much the better if each one of us expresses uniquely.
I know you were thinking you would not get an answer out of me, (and still you have not, eh?) but I encourage you to not leave it at that, not drop the question for yourself, Rob. Perhaps wisdom guides you not to work with this teacher directly yet, but that is not the end of the story.
That is actually the beginning.
With Love,
Your Mystical Mama
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Teaching a Child with ADD/ADHD about the Mind
Dear Mystical Mama,
I know you suggest that to live in your health, as a parent, is the best course.
[Note: in 3 Principles psychology, this means "mental health," as in: a quiet mind, receptivity to insight, grounded feeling states (when possible!), & love. --M.M.]
But, besides this, do you know of how to best describe the principles, say, to a 5-year-old? Or what to suggest to parents on how to explain the principles to a five-year-old diagnosed with ADD or ADHD? Can a five-year-old with extreme hyperactivity, impulsiveness, short attention span, etc. grasp or understand how their own mind works?
If so, how would one explain it to the child themselves? Do you explain in story form, parables to them ...or is it fine to just live in it yourself? How do you explain the principles to your own children? Just curious here.
--Robert "Walking Rabbit"
Dear Robert "Walking Rabbit"
and Dear Parents, everywhere! We cannot underestimate the importance of "putting our own oxygen masks on first." (See the two posts below.) Indeed, how will we teach our children about their minds, when we do not even know how to handle, or understand our own?
Are we not all a little ADD/ADHD from time to time? Can we investigate within ourselves, becoming gently curious, as to why? What occurs in Thought to create a sort of "running mind?" How is it that we can run to the store and spend all kinds of money on unnecessary items in a sort of frantic frenzy--what is that state of mind? Or, what creates the need to always be stimulated by some form of entertainment, be that people, TV, books, radio, Internet, and now, gotta-love-it Facebook?
And what happens when, rather than respond and react to this sort of running thinking, we simply allow this mental frenzy to be, understanding that our Health lies beneath this, our Health is the container for this ... ?
Children, it's been said many times, also respond mostly to how we are, much more so than to what we say. This is actually true for adults, too, is it not? We respond to each other's energy. Thus, our own calm-mindedness, our own grounding, guides us around our children, and helps them to calm down, too.
My dear friend and 3 Principles colleague, Gabriela, used to work closely with autistic children. She noticed that the children "behaved better" around those adults whose energy was present with them, who were Mind-full with them (and here I mean the "big Mind" as Mr. Banks defines it.) Finally, our own grounding and understanding speaks to our effectiveness with children if we do decide to share: How attached are we to their "changing" and "getting" what we are saying? How urgent do we become in trying to share our message? Is our trying to teach them really our way of trying to save or protect ourselves somehow? Are we overly invested in the whole thing?
Therefore, do put your own oxygen mask on first! As another wise colleague, Elsie Spittle, has written: "When we change the way we see things, the things we see seem to change." And the "problems" we see in our children look far less insurmountable. In my own case, with my own children (4 and 6), many problems have simply disappeared with the withdrawel of my worry and attention. I "kid" you not!
Finally, please note that I am not advocating walking around in a false kind of "calm," in which you are stirring and unhappy underneath, but showing a placid face. We are going for total self-honesty here. This must be first, above all: self-honesty, ruthless self-honesty. And being truly calm-minded does not mean that one's physical actions are slow and evenly paced, somehow. It simply means that all action comes from the place of wisdom, within.
OK, now, I will actually answer your question Robert. (Geez! I know!) ... What are these many diagnoses for our children--and ourselves--that we face today? I am by no means the expert, but are they not all made up names to describe some condition we believe is somehow the same across individuals? As we have created the words "tree," "faucet," "lawnmower," so have we created "ADD," "manic-depressive," "bi-polar," "anxiety disorder." It is also true that when we rely on the word to convey meaning, we lose touch with the reality of our own, or our child's situation now. We stop exploring for ourselves, we stop observing. Let the experts handle that, we say. What do I know?
Do I believe that children and people with ADD can learn about their own minds? Yes. Do I believe they have mental health and wisdom? Yes. We have a 14-year-old with an ADHD diagnoses in a school with us now who can sit for 45 minutes as we talk about the 3 Principles in his classroom. His teacher says this is phenomenal. How is it so? Because we don't care if he does or not, actually. Because we love him anyway.
Now, I am not arguing for or against medication. I have seen Wisdom point in both directions on this one. But I am suggesting that a "diagnosis" is merely the current and latest thinking of a society that, generally speaking, does not really understand itself at all.
Can a five-year-old learn how their own mind works? Yes. Can we teach them directly? Yes. Can we use a parable? Yes. Is it enough to just live the Truth ourselves? Yes.
I have done all of the above with my own older daughter, and I notice that if I am invested in her learning, or anxious about her learning, she tends to tune out. When our dialogue takes place within a context of love and real curiosity, she gets a lot of it, as do I. But truly, what has been most effective for me is moving into the space and spirit of Love, for myself, within myself. Love for Life, Love for myself, Love for her. So healing. Love is Mental Health.
One final story: I worked with a mother of three rambunctious and "diagnosed" young boys (two of them were.) She wound up with some of the Sydney Banks DVD's and played them on her television one day--just for herself really. She told me that as Syd talked, the boys started to slowly stop what they were doing and come around the television to listen.
And so it seems that the truth is the truth is the truth--for us all. And it can emerge in our families in many forms, "principles" or not. Going back to check our own feeling state, (do we move from Love or anxiety?) is the key. If we are not getting oxygen, we have no oxygen, really, to give to our children, or anyone else, no matter what words we use.
I appreciate and invite your further comments or questions.
With Love,
Your Mystical Mama
I know you suggest that to live in your health, as a parent, is the best course.
[Note: in 3 Principles psychology, this means "mental health," as in: a quiet mind, receptivity to insight, grounded feeling states (when possible!), & love. --M.M.]
But, besides this, do you know of how to best describe the principles, say, to a 5-year-old? Or what to suggest to parents on how to explain the principles to a five-year-old diagnosed with ADD or ADHD? Can a five-year-old with extreme hyperactivity, impulsiveness, short attention span, etc. grasp or understand how their own mind works?
If so, how would one explain it to the child themselves? Do you explain in story form, parables to them ...or is it fine to just live in it yourself? How do you explain the principles to your own children? Just curious here.
--Robert "Walking Rabbit"
Dear Robert "Walking Rabbit"
and Dear Parents, everywhere! We cannot underestimate the importance of "putting our own oxygen masks on first." (See the two posts below.) Indeed, how will we teach our children about their minds, when we do not even know how to handle, or understand our own?
Are we not all a little ADD/ADHD from time to time? Can we investigate within ourselves, becoming gently curious, as to why? What occurs in Thought to create a sort of "running mind?" How is it that we can run to the store and spend all kinds of money on unnecessary items in a sort of frantic frenzy--what is that state of mind? Or, what creates the need to always be stimulated by some form of entertainment, be that people, TV, books, radio, Internet, and now, gotta-love-it Facebook?
And what happens when, rather than respond and react to this sort of running thinking, we simply allow this mental frenzy to be, understanding that our Health lies beneath this, our Health is the container for this ... ?
Children, it's been said many times, also respond mostly to how we are, much more so than to what we say. This is actually true for adults, too, is it not? We respond to each other's energy. Thus, our own calm-mindedness, our own grounding, guides us around our children, and helps them to calm down, too.
My dear friend and 3 Principles colleague, Gabriela, used to work closely with autistic children. She noticed that the children "behaved better" around those adults whose energy was present with them, who were Mind-full with them (and here I mean the "big Mind" as Mr. Banks defines it.) Finally, our own grounding and understanding speaks to our effectiveness with children if we do decide to share: How attached are we to their "changing" and "getting" what we are saying? How urgent do we become in trying to share our message? Is our trying to teach them really our way of trying to save or protect ourselves somehow? Are we overly invested in the whole thing?
Therefore, do put your own oxygen mask on first! As another wise colleague, Elsie Spittle, has written: "When we change the way we see things, the things we see seem to change." And the "problems" we see in our children look far less insurmountable. In my own case, with my own children (4 and 6), many problems have simply disappeared with the withdrawel of my worry and attention. I "kid" you not!
Finally, please note that I am not advocating walking around in a false kind of "calm," in which you are stirring and unhappy underneath, but showing a placid face. We are going for total self-honesty here. This must be first, above all: self-honesty, ruthless self-honesty. And being truly calm-minded does not mean that one's physical actions are slow and evenly paced, somehow. It simply means that all action comes from the place of wisdom, within.
OK, now, I will actually answer your question Robert. (Geez! I know!) ... What are these many diagnoses for our children--and ourselves--that we face today? I am by no means the expert, but are they not all made up names to describe some condition we believe is somehow the same across individuals? As we have created the words "tree," "faucet," "lawnmower," so have we created "ADD," "manic-depressive," "bi-polar," "anxiety disorder." It is also true that when we rely on the word to convey meaning, we lose touch with the reality of our own, or our child's situation now. We stop exploring for ourselves, we stop observing. Let the experts handle that, we say. What do I know?
Do I believe that children and people with ADD can learn about their own minds? Yes. Do I believe they have mental health and wisdom? Yes. We have a 14-year-old with an ADHD diagnoses in a school with us now who can sit for 45 minutes as we talk about the 3 Principles in his classroom. His teacher says this is phenomenal. How is it so? Because we don't care if he does or not, actually. Because we love him anyway.
Now, I am not arguing for or against medication. I have seen Wisdom point in both directions on this one. But I am suggesting that a "diagnosis" is merely the current and latest thinking of a society that, generally speaking, does not really understand itself at all.
Can a five-year-old learn how their own mind works? Yes. Can we teach them directly? Yes. Can we use a parable? Yes. Is it enough to just live the Truth ourselves? Yes.
I have done all of the above with my own older daughter, and I notice that if I am invested in her learning, or anxious about her learning, she tends to tune out. When our dialogue takes place within a context of love and real curiosity, she gets a lot of it, as do I. But truly, what has been most effective for me is moving into the space and spirit of Love, for myself, within myself. Love for Life, Love for myself, Love for her. So healing. Love is Mental Health.
One final story: I worked with a mother of three rambunctious and "diagnosed" young boys (two of them were.) She wound up with some of the Sydney Banks DVD's and played them on her television one day--just for herself really. She told me that as Syd talked, the boys started to slowly stop what they were doing and come around the television to listen.
And so it seems that the truth is the truth is the truth--for us all. And it can emerge in our families in many forms, "principles" or not. Going back to check our own feeling state, (do we move from Love or anxiety?) is the key. If we are not getting oxygen, we have no oxygen, really, to give to our children, or anyone else, no matter what words we use.
I appreciate and invite your further comments or questions.
With Love,
Your Mystical Mama
"Putting On My Own Oxygen Mask First"
Dear Friends,
Here is the response from our worried Mother, "Helen." I feel her wisdom here can be helpful to us all ...
Dear Ami,
Thank you for "replacing my fog with sunshine." I am so grateful to be made aware that I am still learning something I thought I already knew. I know this is the truth. Common sense has returned ... I went back to the basics: quiet, still and present (took your advice that "if it feels urgent, it isn't"). It was a lesson to myself again to realize just how much one needs to slow down, to be able to be still, to have no attachment to the outcome (emphasis added), in order for one's common sense to flow up.
I do feel a sense of calm again. It is only in finding the calm now, that I realize how crowded my thoughts were. How quickly and easily we choose to "love fear" and "fear love" of oneself and others! This was one of the insights that came to me. Taking the time and space I needed for myself afforded me a way of finding my way back to my common sense: not taking things personally, and seeing that "it is what it is ... " Giving myself some distance from the situation gave me that Self-grounded feeling ... and that "knowing feeling" again. As a mother, sometimes I do "forget to put the oxygen mask on myself first, before I can help someone else!"
May peace be with you,
Helen
Here is the response from our worried Mother, "Helen." I feel her wisdom here can be helpful to us all ...
Dear Ami,
Thank you for "replacing my fog with sunshine." I am so grateful to be made aware that I am still learning something I thought I already knew. I know this is the truth. Common sense has returned ... I went back to the basics: quiet, still and present (took your advice that "if it feels urgent, it isn't"). It was a lesson to myself again to realize just how much one needs to slow down, to be able to be still, to have no attachment to the outcome (emphasis added), in order for one's common sense to flow up.
I do feel a sense of calm again. It is only in finding the calm now, that I realize how crowded my thoughts were. How quickly and easily we choose to "love fear" and "fear love" of oneself and others! This was one of the insights that came to me. Taking the time and space I needed for myself afforded me a way of finding my way back to my common sense: not taking things personally, and seeing that "it is what it is ... " Giving myself some distance from the situation gave me that Self-grounded feeling ... and that "knowing feeling" again. As a mother, sometimes I do "forget to put the oxygen mask on myself first, before I can help someone else!"
May peace be with you,
Helen
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Question: What the &*%$! should I do?
Dear Mystical Mama,
(Note: Identifying facts have been changed for this Mother. Letter edited slightly for clarity.)
I am 50 yrs. old, divorced, and I've lived in Texas for many years with my two children. My daughter is a senior in high school. Since starting Greg's course (Gregory Drambour of Sedona Sacred Journeys), I have read all Syd Banks books, and the three principles approach absolutely does resonate with me.
I am very aware now that neither my ex-husband nor myself have applied anywhere near the three principles approach whilst bringing up our children. My Daughter was diagnosed one year ago with ADD and secondary Anxiety/Depression, which I'm sure is due to the misdiagnosis and frustration she has endured for the last couple of years. She has a very high IQ, and is creative and musically talented, but has been quite misunderstood for about two years at school, by friends and family, causing disagreement, conflict and gross misunderstanding between my ex-husband and myself, which, ultimately has had negative effects on my daughter. This has been a very difficult time for all of us in trying to find common agreement without judgment toward any other person, or projecting our own experience and programming whilst doing the best we can in coping with a mentally ill, sick child.
We have reached an agreement on some of the treatment, and "Eleanor" is continuing to improve and cope. This has been a very exacerbated time of heightened and prolonged realizations of absolute separate realities.
My Question is: Could you suggest a specific approach using the three principles in helping the family unit as a whole deal with a diagnosis of ADD or other mental illness's with children/teenagers?
Dear "Helen,"
Thank you so much for your letter. There is actually no such thing as a “specific approach” from a 3 Principles understanding to the issues you bring up here. It seems there is a great deal of conflict and confusion about what to do with your daughter, and even about the “separate realities” you have noticed, and that you say have led to “prolonged realizations.” I am assuming a “prolonged realization” here is not a breakthrough (bringing relief and understanding), but rather just seeing that everyone is in a separate reality, with no movement forward, or toward peace of mind. Is this correct? On the other hand, there is improvement and coping on the part of your daughter.
If this is all correct, then what seems to be very clear is that there is still a lack of clarity. Regardless of the situation, it is insightful simply to notice the lack of clarity. When there is lack of clarity, often there is urgency, and as I said on the Teleconference call with Greg, “If it feels urgent, it isn’t.” (Please note: this is barring actual physical emergencies!)
The reason I cannot recommend a specific course of action is because only your own Wisdom can do that. And right now, without clarity, Wisdom is not speaking loudly enough for anyone to hear. Actually, Wisdom is speaking, but the more fearful, ego-based and urgent thoughts are just “noisier” right now.
If one can start to become more present—not projecting into the future, not regretting, perhaps, parenting or relationship “mistakes” in the past—Thought starts to slow down, to quiet down. When the mind becomes quiet, insights emerge. The feeling of an insight (as opposed to worry, anxiety, projection, judgment) is quite distinctive—there is a calm and peace that accompanies an insight. No one is held “to blame,” not even oneself!
It seems to me that since you are the one who is inquiring (and are therefore receptive), becoming quiet, being patient, trusting your inner Wisdom to emerge at the right time is the best “three principles approach” I can recommend. Do you see how I would recommend this to anyone, in any situation?
When thoughts arise (and it seems that there are thoughts of regret about the past for you), can you see them as just thoughts—notice how they are not helpful in this moment, notice how we all punish ourselves through self-blame, although we are all quite human and subject to many flaws? Forgiveness for oneself can ignite forgiveness for others, including (believe it or not) ex-spouses! We have all done the best we can with the thinking we had at our disposal at any given time. We are all just trying to make it through life.
As parents, we are likely to engage in a great deal of worry and anxiety about our children, especially if they have a frightening "diagnoses." Can we see that this worry and anxiety is helping neither them nor ourselves? Can we allow ourselves the space and time—even while our loved one seems to be “suffering”—to calm down and experience our own mental health and peace of mind?
Truly, a parent’s ability to find their own peace of mind is the absolute best parenting “technique” on the planet. If you can discover your own peace of mind, Helen, this peace will spread with ripples throughout the family and this situation. Peace for you brings peace between you and your former husband, brings peace to your daughter. Answers spring from peace, and just as often, "problems" simply dissolve.
So, the answer, as always, lies inside of you.
Can you let go, and trust yourself fully?
Yours Truly,
Ami
(Note: Identifying facts have been changed for this Mother. Letter edited slightly for clarity.)
I am 50 yrs. old, divorced, and I've lived in Texas for many years with my two children. My daughter is a senior in high school. Since starting Greg's course (Gregory Drambour of Sedona Sacred Journeys), I have read all Syd Banks books, and the three principles approach absolutely does resonate with me.
I am very aware now that neither my ex-husband nor myself have applied anywhere near the three principles approach whilst bringing up our children. My Daughter was diagnosed one year ago with ADD and secondary Anxiety/Depression, which I'm sure is due to the misdiagnosis and frustration she has endured for the last couple of years. She has a very high IQ, and is creative and musically talented, but has been quite misunderstood for about two years at school, by friends and family, causing disagreement, conflict and gross misunderstanding between my ex-husband and myself, which, ultimately has had negative effects on my daughter. This has been a very difficult time for all of us in trying to find common agreement without judgment toward any other person, or projecting our own experience and programming whilst doing the best we can in coping with a mentally ill, sick child.
We have reached an agreement on some of the treatment, and "Eleanor" is continuing to improve and cope. This has been a very exacerbated time of heightened and prolonged realizations of absolute separate realities.
My Question is: Could you suggest a specific approach using the three principles in helping the family unit as a whole deal with a diagnosis of ADD or other mental illness's with children/teenagers?
Dear "Helen,"
Thank you so much for your letter. There is actually no such thing as a “specific approach” from a 3 Principles understanding to the issues you bring up here. It seems there is a great deal of conflict and confusion about what to do with your daughter, and even about the “separate realities” you have noticed, and that you say have led to “prolonged realizations.” I am assuming a “prolonged realization” here is not a breakthrough (bringing relief and understanding), but rather just seeing that everyone is in a separate reality, with no movement forward, or toward peace of mind. Is this correct? On the other hand, there is improvement and coping on the part of your daughter.
If this is all correct, then what seems to be very clear is that there is still a lack of clarity. Regardless of the situation, it is insightful simply to notice the lack of clarity. When there is lack of clarity, often there is urgency, and as I said on the Teleconference call with Greg, “If it feels urgent, it isn’t.” (Please note: this is barring actual physical emergencies!)
The reason I cannot recommend a specific course of action is because only your own Wisdom can do that. And right now, without clarity, Wisdom is not speaking loudly enough for anyone to hear. Actually, Wisdom is speaking, but the more fearful, ego-based and urgent thoughts are just “noisier” right now.
If one can start to become more present—not projecting into the future, not regretting, perhaps, parenting or relationship “mistakes” in the past—Thought starts to slow down, to quiet down. When the mind becomes quiet, insights emerge. The feeling of an insight (as opposed to worry, anxiety, projection, judgment) is quite distinctive—there is a calm and peace that accompanies an insight. No one is held “to blame,” not even oneself!
It seems to me that since you are the one who is inquiring (and are therefore receptive), becoming quiet, being patient, trusting your inner Wisdom to emerge at the right time is the best “three principles approach” I can recommend. Do you see how I would recommend this to anyone, in any situation?
When thoughts arise (and it seems that there are thoughts of regret about the past for you), can you see them as just thoughts—notice how they are not helpful in this moment, notice how we all punish ourselves through self-blame, although we are all quite human and subject to many flaws? Forgiveness for oneself can ignite forgiveness for others, including (believe it or not) ex-spouses! We have all done the best we can with the thinking we had at our disposal at any given time. We are all just trying to make it through life.
As parents, we are likely to engage in a great deal of worry and anxiety about our children, especially if they have a frightening "diagnoses." Can we see that this worry and anxiety is helping neither them nor ourselves? Can we allow ourselves the space and time—even while our loved one seems to be “suffering”—to calm down and experience our own mental health and peace of mind?
Truly, a parent’s ability to find their own peace of mind is the absolute best parenting “technique” on the planet. If you can discover your own peace of mind, Helen, this peace will spread with ripples throughout the family and this situation. Peace for you brings peace between you and your former husband, brings peace to your daughter. Answers spring from peace, and just as often, "problems" simply dissolve.
So, the answer, as always, lies inside of you.
Can you let go, and trust yourself fully?
Yours Truly,
Ami
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)